Judgment

Hello loves! I want to talk to you about judgment. Judgment is tricky because it’s a survival mechanism for humans, but yet at the same time, it can also be a hindrance to our spiritual growth.

When we are toddlers, our parents begin to teach us how to talk. They may point to certain objects and say the word for which that object is. For example, they may point to a tree and say “tree” or point to a dog and say “dog.”

This is when we first begin to judge.

It is our ability to judge one object from another which teaches us how to talk and how to communicate in the world.

This is why judgment is a survival mechanism. Without being able to discern
one object from another, we wouldn’t be able to properly express ourselves and connect with other people.

However, judgment can act as a disservice for our personal development when we attach a story to what we are judging.

Let’s use the example of scrolling through the Facebook feed. We might come across a picture of someone who we think posts a lot of selfies of her self to try to get attention from others. Perhaps we see the selfie of the duck faced girl, and in our mind, we immediately think “this girl is trying to get attention.”

That thought, “this girl is trying to get attention,” coupled with the feeling that what she’s doing is bad is the judgment. The girl posting selfies may or not be insecure, maybe she’s just really confident. But, it’s not up to us to decide what’s best for her highest good.

We get to decide what’s best for ourselves, not for other people. It’s not our business how someone else behaves, unless of course, it’s directly affecting you.

Judging other people leads to the closing of your heart.

A closed heart doesn’t allow energy to naturally flow. Judgment acts like a kink in a garden hose, cutting off the natural flow of positive life force and acts as a miracle blocker.

Let’s take this a step deeper. If you come across the picture of the girl making the duck face in your newsfeed and you are triggered by it, there’s a message for you. What I mean is that when you have a judgment about another, it’s really a judgment about yourself.

The judgment you have about yourself is called your shadow. You typically can’t see it in yourself, but you can clearly see it in another, so you judge the other person for having that quality.

When in reality, you are really just annoyed with yourself for not having reconciled that unfavorable quality. Instead of dealing with your own annoyance, you make the other person “bad” for having that very same quality.

This is PHD level spiritual work.

To put it simply, that old saying, “what you don’t like in another is what you don’t like in yourself” is absolutely true.

The next time you are catching yourself in judgment, hold the phone, aka PAUSE. Take a deep breath. Flip your script and see if you can find what is annoying you in the other person in a behavior that you actually possess.

Let’s look at that example I used of the girl with the selfies. Maybe you don’t take selfies of yourself to get attention, but do you use your wit and humor to get people to like you? Are you an over achiever at your work and you try to get your boss’s attention that way? This is where you dig deep to find the correlation.

It takes courage to look at yourself in this way.

On the other side of judgment is incredible freedom.

Make the commitment to look at your own shit instead of judging other people’s shit.

Would you like help with bringing healing to your shadow side? Shoot me a message here and let’s chitty chat!

Wishing you a wonderful judgment free week!

xo

Love and Acceptance,

Are You Spiritual Bypassing?

Hi sweet ones! This week I’m excited to dive into the topic of spiritual bypassing with you. This was a term originally coined in 1984 by psychologist John Wellwood.

I know I talk a big game about thinking positively and focusing on the good. This is at the foundation of my spiritual practice, however, there can be danger in positive thinking, if you are negating how you actually feel in any given moment.

Let’s face it, we don’t always feel positive. We’re humans with past hurts, current resentments and a myriad of emotions constantly flowing through us. It can be hard to “think positive” if you are feeling anything but positive.

Spiritual bypassing is using spiritual practice or spiritual principles (such as positive thinking) to avoid or cover up what you are actually feeling or experiencing in the moment.

Emotions seek expression and will find ways to express themselves no matter what. The danger in avoiding how you really feel because you think it’s too “negative,” is that the negative feeling that you’re covering up will come out in an around the back door, distorted way.

An example of spiritual bypassing is this: Let’s say you’re really frustrated and angry at a friend who continually shows up late to your hang outs. You think it’s unspiritual to be angry. Instead, you tell yourself you should just accept people for who they are and love them unconditionally, no matter how they behave.

So, you don’t say anything to your friend who is perpetually late and keeps you waiting.

Does the frustration and anger just go away on it’s own? No.

If you avoid something, pretend it’s not there or cover it up, it doesn’t just go away.

You may not be looking at it, but it’s still there.
What happens in these types of situations, which I call spiritual bypassing, is that you are bypassing how you are truly feeling, in the name of “spirituality.”

If you don’t look at it or express it in a healthy way, the frustration and anger gets pushed down and will reside in your unconscious, and will come out later in a twisted way.

Remember, emotions seek expression. If they are not expressed consciously by you, then they will be expressed in another way, unconsciously by you.

With the example of the friend who always shows up late – If you do not express your frustration to your friend, then your frustration will still be expressed, because you won’t be able to control it from coming out.

You may make a subtle dig at your friend in the form of a snide comment. You may start showing up late yourself out of spite. You may gossip to your other friends how your friend always shows up late. You may think mean thoughts about your friend in your mind.

It’s important to acknowledge how you are feeling in any given moment.

In addition, it’s also important to express how you are feeling.

I’m not saying it’s a good idea to go around raging at people! What I am saying is that if you are feeling angry, annoyed, frustrated, sad or hurt, it’s okay to feel it and to voice it.

With the example I gave with the friend showing up late, you could say something like this: “When you show up late I’ve noticed that I feel frustrated because it causes me to have to wait for you, when I could be doing something else with my time. Could you please commit to working on showing up on time for our hang outs?”

What your friend does with that information is their business. You took care of your business by sharing authentically. Based upon your friend’s response, you then have a choice in how you would like to proceed with hanging out.

Feel your feelings. Here are some ways to process through negative feelings:

  • Do intense exercise – Moving your body helps to cycle energy through you.
  • Blast your favorite music while driving and sing along – Activate your throat chakra, which is responsible for expression, by singing and/or screaming your favorite song.
  • Journal – Writing down how you are feeling helps you to express it and move it through you.
  • Talk to a trusted friend, family member or coach – Identify a safe person that you can freely talk to and just “let it rip” without worrying about having to be PC.

Being a spiritual person in my opinion, above all else, means being authentically you.

I want you to know that I love you — I love all your parts, the positive, the negative and everything in between. You are safe to fully be yourself. I accept you.

The next time you catch yourself trying to be “spiritual” or positive, when you’re just not really feeling that way, tune into how you are really feeling, and make space for that feeling to come out and cycle through you. At the other end of negative, yucky feeling emotions is your center. Trust you will always come back to your center, which is where love, positivity, goodness and wholeness lives.

Love and Feeling Your Feelings,

Why Being Scared Is A Really Good Thing

I want to clue you guys in on a little secret about me. I’m scared shitless 99% of the time. Whaaatttt?! Yup. I am. If I have a toolbox full of self-help tools, then why, you may wondering, would I be scared all the time? Because I choose to live my life on the edge.

I choose to live right on that threshold between comfort and stretching myself.

If you are feeling comfortable right now, then chances are, you need to do a little stretching. Now, put your yoga mat away, I’m not talking downward doggy. I’m talking about doing things in your life that make you feel absolutely terrifed – sweaty armpits, breaking out in hives, trembling hands, the whole deal.

As some of you may remember, nearly a year ago, I made a coming out blog post, about my challenging past, which included being arrested. This was the most scared I ever remember feeling. When I went to hit the publish button, I nearly thought I was going to have a panic attack.

I was about to tell the whole world things about myself that I’d kept locked up in a tiny box, hidden under my bed, next to the moth balls, collecting dust for years. In that box was what I deemed to be my embarrassing and shameful past.

But, you know what’s so wild? That blog post became the most popular post I’ve ever written. Why? Because I stretched myself and took a risk. In doing so, I became relatable and approachable in the eyes of hundreds of people.

That experience taught me that in order to achieve greatness, I need to be constantly stretching myself to the point of terror. I’m not trying to be dramatic here.

But, honestly, every time I reach a new level of growth and mastery within myself, I do feel terrified.

When you stretch yourself to do something you’ve never done before, you don’t know what that next level, or new way of being is like.

Think of it like a video game.

Let’s take a walk down 90’s lane for a minute. Before you made it into Bowser’s Castle in Mario World, you only knew what the level was like that you were currently on. In order to make it to the next level, you could only die a certain amount of times. If you used up all of your lives, you had to keep playing that same level until you could make it through.

If you keep repeating the same pattern in life, you will stay on the same level, and you’ll never have the chance to enter into Bowser’s Castle.

Doing things that make you feel scared help you to advance to the next level.

Life is all about growth. We don’t get born out of the womb as full blown adults. We are born infants, given the opportunity to grow.

It’s our fear that holds us back. It’s fear that tells you if you do this crazy thing that is normally so unlike you, then something terrible will happen. That’s just a lie.

Fear was something that was developed as a protection mechanism in order for the species to be able to continue to populate. Back in the day, when a woolly mammouth approached, fear was a useful tool that told us to we better haul ass out of here or we’re going to die!

There are no woolly mammouths anymore, and chances are, you’re not in immediate danger of any predators. Our brain doesn’t know this though. Our brain reacts in the same way to posting a truth telling blog post as it does to the impending threat of a predator.

I’m here to tell you to do things that make you feel scared.

Know that feeling scared is just all part of the process. Stretch yourself. Go beyond your comfort zone. Once you catch yourself doing something that you’d never thought you’d find yourself doing, then you’ll know you’re really cooking up some greatness in the cosmic kitchen!

So, pull out your chef’s hat, and get cooking. The world longs to taste your delicious creations.

Love and Fearlessness,

cw_1

 

 

 

 

P.S. Would you like help stretching yourself in new ways? Do have a pattern or a plaguing issue that you’d like to work through? I know how frustrating it can be. You don’t have to go at it alone. Let’s chat! Hit me up here.

How To Be Authentic

Authentic: {def} not false or copied; genuine; real

Something I’ve been putting a lot of attention on lately is understanding who I am at the core of my being. I’m an extremely sensitive person who feels subtle nuances. Due to this, it can be hard for me to be able to separate myself from my external environment. I have the propensity to mold into whatever is front of me.

Can you relate? In a world where there’s so much external stimulation coming at you, sometimes it can be challenging to tell what you truly feel, like and want. The first step to being authentic is identifying who you are deep down. The second step is having the courage to act in accordance with who you are, no matter what is going on around you.

Okay, I know, we hear these cliches all the time — “be who you are,” “do you,” “be yourself,” and so on. In order to “be yourself,” you actually have to know who yourself is.

I believe that we were all created from the same source. There’s different words for this source, God, The Universe, Love or whatever you want to call it. We are essentially all one because we were all created from the same stuff. However, although we are woven from the same fabric, each piece of fabric is slightly different.

Let’s think of it like ice-cream: We are all ice-cream, but we’re each a different flavor. We each express the fact that we are ice-cream differently based upon our distinct flavor.

It’s your job to fully understand what flavor you are and to unapologetically share that flavor with the world. If you’re pistachio, but yet you’re masquerading as chocolate, because you think chocolate is better, people gon’ be confused. You can’t hide the essence of who you are. You can attempt to cover it over or pretend to be a different then who you are, but none the less, you can’t turn a nut into cacao.

So, you might as well get to know who you are and love the shit out of your tasty flavor.

FullSizeRender (9)Here are some ways in which you can get to know who you are:

Ask yourself questions. How would you know what you like, dislike, need or want if you’ve never asked yourself? It sounds so simple, I know. But, yet, most people have never taken the time to ask themselves what they actually like! Pretend you are on a first date with yourself and you’re covering the basics – What type of music do you like? What do you like to do on the weekends? What do you enjoy eating? How do you like to dress?

Then go deeper – What helps you to alleviate stress? Do you feel energized from alone time or time spent with others? Where would you like your life to be in 5 years? What quality do you most value in other people?

Make a list. Once you are clear on what you like and what you want, then write it all out. Putting pen to paper helps to solidify what you find to be true. Also, having a list handy will act as a clarifier for life’s hazy moments.

The next step to living an authentic life is to have your words and actions align with who you say you are and what you say you want.

For example, a few days ago I went on a date with a really wonderful person. He was handsome, spirited and passionate about his purpose. Upon going on the date, I was clear with myself about what I’m looking for. I’m looking to meet and settle down with my life partner.

After one date with this gentleman, it was very clear that we wanted different things. He’s a little bit younger than me and was interested in just hanging out and having fun with a woman versus having space in his life for a full on relationship. That wasn’t going to work for me so we decided to just be friends.

If I had decided to continue to chill with this guy because I thought he was hot and we could have some steamy fun together, then I would be living an inauthentic life. Why? Because what I say I want and my actions would not be in alignment.

Where in your life are you not living in alignment? Where are you being inauthentic? By the way, when you notice parts of yourself that are inauthentic and you call it out, then you’re actually being authentic!

There’s still tons of areas in my life where I’m not totally authentic because I’m human and humans aren’t perfect. I am committed to calling myself out on my own bullshit though. And that’s what authenticity’s all about.

I’d love to hear from you. Contact me here and let’s chat about where you’re feeling out of alignment and how we can get you on track to living an authentic life.

If this post spoke to you, or you know someone who could really benefit from reading this, share it up!

Also, if you’d like to receive weekly inspiration delivered to your inbox and special gifts that I only give to my newsletter subscribers, then drop your email right here and treat yourself. Valentine’s Day is coming up, you deserve an extra dose of self love!

Love and Authenticity,

cw_1

 

 

 

 

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Asking For What You Want

There is so much power in asking for you want. When you ask for what you want, you are taking control of your life, rather than passively letting your life take control of you.

All of life is a negotiation. From the moment we wake up, to the moment we go to bed, we are making a series of small choices. These choices come together to create the totality of our life.

In order to create the type of life that you wish to live, you must actively be involved in your decision making. The first step to this is getting clear on what it is that you want. If you don’t know what you want, then obviously you won’t be able to ask for it.

Once you know what you do want, you will also be able to decipher what you don’t want. When you say no to the things in your life that you don’t want, you are energetically creating space for the things that you do want.

It sounds so simple, yet many people are not living their life this way. It’s as if they are in a sleep state and just going through life’s motions.

I want you to be juiced up on life! There’s a difference between just living and actually being alive! When you are alive in your own life, you are co-creating with the Universe. You make things happen rather than just allowing things to happen to you.

Here is a simple example of asking for what you want in life: 
Say you get a new job offer that sounds amazing and your boss tells you your salary will be $40,000. In order to financially make ends meet you actually need to make $45,000.

Do you decline the job offer? I wouldn’t. Do you accept the job offer and just plan on putting some extra money on a credit card or work over time? I wouldn’t do that either. I would use this as an opportunity to ask for what I want.

I would do some careful planning first though. Before I ask to have a meeting with my future boss, I’d put together a package. In my package I would make a list of how I can compensate for that extra $5,000. I’d ask myself, “What skills can I bring to the table that are niche and unique and will create a return within the company that’s $5,000 or more?”

Once I honed in on the specific skills, I’d then write out exactly how I am going to practically use those skills at my job.

The idea here is that you ask for what you want and then you back that asking up with some meat. When you know you’re valuable, you can tangibly present that value.

Another element of asking for what you want is politely declining what you don’t want. When you say no to something, then you are automatically saying yes to something else. For further help with how to say no, read my post on how to not be a people pleaser.

Get clear inside of yourself. What do you want? What do you need to ask for in order to fulfill that desire? What do you need to say yes to? What do you need to decline?

Practice asking for what you want this week. Remember, if you don’t ask, you don’t get.

If you’d like help with asking for what you want in life, speaking up or feeling confident contact me here and let’s chat.

If you found this post helpful, I’d sure love it if ya gave it a thumbs up and a share!

Love and Asking,

cw_1